- vida2940
- Mar 3
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 4
When a baby elephant is raised with its leg tied to a small stake in the ground, it learns to stay within the limits of the chain it's tied to.
Years later, that same elephant is enormous. Strong enough to knock over a tree. And it's often still staying within the same limits believing it doesn’t have a choice.
We can be a lot like that baby (and big) elephant.
This is a picutre of me when I was about 9 years old. I grew up in the Roberto Clemente projects in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
I attended Our Savior Catholic School on Marcy Avenue. This meant wearing a uniform, walking in silence with "fingers on your lips" while on the stairways, and being slightly terrified of getting called to the principal's office where Sister Miriam waited.
It also meant being part of Ms. Roxanne's dance group in the Glee Club.
Ms. Roxanne did not play. Her rehearsals were intense, her standards were high, and no matter what routine we were learning, she would always include the same set of steps.
Kick. Ball. Chain. Kick. Ball. Chain. Pivot, pivot.
We did it so many times it became automatic. My feet just did it. We all just did it. Just like we did everything else we were taught was expected. Until Sonia arrived...
One morning, the bell rang and we all stood up for the pledge of allegiance. Except Sonia.
Sonia had recently arrived from the DR. She calmly stayed in her seat, even when our teacher called for Sister Miriam who demanded she stand. Sonia didn't flinch.
She explained that because she was still a citizen of the Dominican Republic, she couldn't stand for the pledge of allegiance.
I still remember the look on Sister Miriam's face. And I also remember the look on Sonia's little face.
She wasn't scared. She wasn't angry. She was clear. The rest of us were in shock.
Sonia knew something the rest of us hadn't figured out (yet). She knew that even if you're "just" a third grader, living in a poor neighborhood, and surrounded by others who are doing what they're told to do without question, you can say no to someone's expectations of you with confidence, with clarity, and without apology.
I think about Sonia when I work with clients who...
are tired of ignoring red flags and then feeling guilty for playing out old patterns
are tired of believing their self-worth is tied to saying yes (aka people pleasing)
are ready to give themselves permission to say no (while also refusing to feel guilty for the times they still say yes, instead).
Honoring your inner Sonia begins with giving yourself grace in those moments when reclaiming your power still feels too threatening for your nervous system.
And it means believing (in your mind AND in your body) that you deserve to have your boundaries respected- even if sometimes your nervous system needs a little help believing it too.
As you consider the "kick, ball, chain" steps you've been taught to follow and the choices that haven't felt like choices (yet), what is one area where you want to give yourself guilt-free, no explanation-required, permission to set a boundary that feels right to you?
Even just thinking about it, or setting new boundaries with small decisions, can make a big difference. Check out this somatic exercise called The Butterfly Hug to help calm your nervous system as you do. You can also download the PDF below- Somatic Practice: the Butterfly Hug.